Something I’ve learned about myself is that I’m an impatient person. I don’t like waiting, especially when it comes to goals I want to accomplish as soon as possible. I get nervous when I have to wait too long. The longer I wait, the possibility it will never happen increases expeditiously. At least that's what my anxiety tells me. It has me convinced that I need to push things along or risk life coming in and taking it away completely.
It’s such a sucky feeling because I know that accomplishing a goal comes in stages. I know that in some cases I have to wait for deadlines to pass, or I have others involved that must complete their tasks before the goal can be accomplished. I clearly know this, yet anxiety still pops its head up and nudges me to make things happen faster or risk losing the goal forever.
Trauma has so many ripple effects that impact how I navigate adulthood, and this is one that continues to have me in a choke hole. Since life has abruptly taken so much away from me, I’m always on guard trying to stop it from taking away the goals that could positively impact my life. As I type this my anxiety is telling me that I’m revealing too much and I need to be careful because I don't want to speak this into existence. While I believe we can speak existence into some elements of life, I’ve figured out that bottling things up inside does me more harm than good. I weigh myself down when I keep these things bottled in, and that’s why I revamped this space into a blog instead of a small business.
I needed a place where I could put a face to the trauma experience for fellow trauma survivors, as well as those looking to understand the layers of trauma because it is still a strong presence in my life. After all these years despite my life changing in some positive ways, I still have this fear of my goals being eliminated if they don't happen quickly. I get impatient and nervous that this is my only shot to make it happen and I don't want to miss out on it. I don’t want to be stuck.
I decided to write this entry because the thoughts were clouding my mind too much and I had to get some of them out, so this entry is pretty scattered because of it. I honestly just needed to brain dump these thoughts, so I’m not sure how to end this entry. I will say I feel less constricted and more aware of why I feel the way I do, which has helped me to give myself grace. I’m still trying to make my life as enjoyable as possible in the midst of the trauma ripple effects. Some moments are easier than others, and in this moment I want to remind myself that it makes sense why I feel this way. I get it. I give myself understanding.
~Until Next Time
-Brina B
Disclaimer: This blog post doesn't serve as therapy. If you are in need of help, check out the resources page of the website.