Defining Friendship, Dating, & Womanhood

Hello World!

Boy oh boy, how do I start? I’ve gone back and forth on how to approach this topic because it has so many layers, and even more grey areas, however, I think it’s a topic that needs to be talked about. Friendship, dating, and womanhood are at the center of human interaction for those of us who identify as a woman, and as a Trauma Survivor my ability to interact with others is something I constantly second guess.

When you reach my age, the idea is that you will experience some sort of an epiphany and suddenly you know how to approach life from a level of maturity and understanding you didn’t have in your 20s. I’m aware that this idea isn’t a rule set in stone, I’m also observant enough to see how true this idea is for some people. So yea, I often second guess myself and feel embarrassed because that hasn’t been my experience.

Quite frankly, I still feel like a newborn baby sometimes exploring the world around me. I see the colors and people around me, but I’m not fully able to comprehend what I’m looking at. I’m not sure if I would be this insecure if I didn’t have the trauma fog clouding my judgement. Trauma has been such an intense and chronic experience for me that I sometimes don’t know if I'm responding or the trauma is. Moreover, I know it’s unavoidable for some people to not see my interactions as toxic, exhausting, or believe I’m using my trauma as an excuse. So, I became comfortable with silencing myself and allowing labels to define me. I gave other people permission to label me, and I gave my trauma permission to label me. It was easier to live with the labels instead of communicating how difficult and exhausting it was to define them for myself.

How could I gain life experience to define them when I was just trying to survive? How can I communicate and interact with others when I had no clue what to say or what to do? During the transition from childhood to adulthood I didn’t have the opportunity to properly explore friendships, dating, or my perspective as a woman. Instead, I was living in survival mode. While other young women my age were exploring and experiencing these areas of life, I was trying to figure out how to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. My mind was completely shut off from these areas of life because I was focused on my basic needs.

I know trying to obtain my basic needs isn’t something to feel ashamed or embarrassed about, but at the time I felt those things everyday. I was making friends and doing some dating here and there, but I always second guessed my decisions. It was a constant cycle of trying not to mess up, which only intensified the shame I felt. Especially since I spent the majority of my life in survival mode. I spent my adolescence and young adulthood going through the motions, feeling disconnected from life, and having only enough energy to take it one hour at a time. I was in a revolving door of keeping my mind above drowning level while trying to figure out how to maintain and achieve my basic needs. It’s hard to focus, and quite frankly care about other areas of life when you’re in survival mode. I just wanted to make it to the next hour with as little chaos as possible. Therefore, I never truly experienced the transition from girlhood to womanhood. As a result, my shame and embarrassment continued to grow stronger.

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I was physically able to get out of survival mode in 2018, mentally I was able to get out in 2019.

I have to pause and reflect on that for a brief moment because while survival mode is only 1 part of my trauma narrative, it was a huge part that made it difficult to find the energy, and capability, to address the shame and embarrassment. And to look at those years typed out is...a lot to admit out loud…*deep breath*...okay, let’s move on.

Although I’m now able to look at my years of survival mode from a bird’s eye view, I have to be honest and say there’s still some residue of shame and embarrassment left behind because of my age. Being an Adult Trauma Survivor is an interesting experience because there’s this expectation that I already know how to handle my bad days or I'm supposed to have this level of understanding that other people have. Quite frankly, I’m a survivor of childhood trauma still learning how to navigate life. As a result, I feel ashamed and embarrassed to make mistakes at this age that some people may have made in their twenties. I’m a late bloomer and it’s something that makes human interaction difficult for me.

We’re living in a time where the stigma surrounding mental health is weakening, but what about the stigma surrounding adult Trauma Survivors? The silent judgement, the blatant judgement, the shade, the misunderstandings, and lack of understanding makes it very difficult for adult Trauma Survivors to approach such complex topics as friendship, dating, and womanhood when they're expected to already have a perspective. It’s hard to gain insight when you’re at an age where people think you should already know or you’re at an age where people lack the motivation to understand. I’m blessed, grateful, and appreciative to have people in my life who help me gain insight at this age because it’s difficult to admit you have no idea what you’re doing because you have no foundation to pull from.

I would love to say that I have my definitions figured out, but as you know this is a space of honesty. I’m a Trauma Survivor who is an introvert so I still struggle with expressing myself instead of processing everything internally. I’m aware that because I’m a late bloomer I will lose people on this journey intentionally or unintentionally because of mistakes or misunderstandings. The biggest lesson I’ve gained from my transition into Adult Trauma Survivor is that my heart is a survivor as well. Despite everything I’ve experienced my heart continues to remain open to learning and evolving into the person I know I am. Everybody won’t see it, including myself sometimes, but that piece of my heart has always been fighting for me.

Being a Trauma Survivor is difficult and it causes me to second guess myself constantly, however, it’s an experience...not a definition of who I am or what I will become. Again, I’m grateful and appreciative for the people in my life who understand that because at my age I’m still trying to figure out this thing called human interaction. I don't expect everybody to stay for the journey, I also don’t plan to punish myself when they leave.

With all that being said, you might be wondering how I’m doing on my journey to defining friendship, dating, and womanhood? Well, to be honest I’m still working on it, however, the foundation I want to build all three on top of is a combination of understanding, conflict resolution, and creativity. Understanding to build a safe space for expression and communication, conflict resolution to resolve issues that come to the light head on instead of avoiding them, and creativity to inspire joy and open minded thinking. Much like me, it’s still a work in progress.

Until Next Time

~Brina B

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Disclaimer: This blog post doesn’t serve as therapy or professional help. If you’re in need of professional help, visit the resources section of the website.