How Resentment Can Influence Perception
- Brina B
- Jun 8, 2021
- 6 min read
It’s been a while since I wrote an entry and that’s because I needed some time to get my anxiety under control and relax my nerves (another blog for another day). As I was trying to get myself together, the word RESENTMENT kept popping up in the TV shows, movies, YouTube videos, podcasts, and social media posts I was exposed to. At first I thought maybe this is just a topic that everybody seems to be talking about right now. But, I’m also a believer in signs so I couldn't just ignore it. Therefore, I found myself reflecting about resentment and the layers it can manifest. For instance, I contemplated if resentment is one of those words that people know exists, but don’t take the time to acknowledge and process. I often observe people holding their resentment in until they explode or it changes how they view the world, themselves and others based on a perception created from resentment.
It’s kind of heartbreaking to think about because resentment is a silent player that many people don’t acknowledge yet they make decisions and react based on it’s recommendations. I believe this often happens when people don’t want to have difficult conversations about how someone is making them feel nor do they want to create a plan on how to move forward with a better understanding. It’s easier to remain silent and let the resentment fester, while in some cases those you resent have no idea. I’m guilty of this because as a Trauma Survivor it was more important to keep people around than to push them away. I’ve had plenty of experiences with people walking away, so the last thing I wanted to do was make it easier for them to do so. However, in 2019 I made a promise to myself to be open to having difficult conversations because I didn’t want to give resentment permission to grow. So, I understand the initial reaction that some people have to ignore the resentment yet allow it to call the shots.
So, when the word RESENTMENT kept popping up around me I knew I couldn't ignore it. I had to give myself space to truly reflect on how it can impact a survivor's life and the seeds that help it grow. The first seed that came to mind was resenting life because I found myself harboring this form of resentment a lot during the early stages of my trauma journey. I resented life for placing me in an environment where trauma was the before, beginning, and after. It felt like life wanted to punish me, kick me when I was down, and watch me try to steady myself instead of helping me up. This is also where the idea of “I’m alone'' may emerge because it often feels like you’re the only person going through trauma. This is extremely difficult during childhood trauma because children don’t have the words or emotional regulation to communicate or express how they’re feeling. Children only see what is happening and what they experience, they don’t have the ability to see beyond that. This was my experience and it has been a long journey to move past this because when you experience childhood trauma it impacts the framework and blueprint you develop on how to approach adulthood. When your compass is filled with the pain and disappointment of trauma, it's unsurprising that it gives birth to resentment.
As the resentment towards life grows, it manifests into the most common question survivors ask themselves, “Why me?” Which snowballs into "Why do I have to go through this?” and “What did I do to deserve this." This cycle of questioning your existence and growing resentful toward life, or God depending on your personal beliefs, increases anger. Survivors may appear combative, not willing to try anything new, or detached. Some may find themselves in a constant state of anger because it’s the only emotion they have the ability to acknowledge and express. Angry because things aren’t going “right.” Angry because they have to endure constant uncertainty and instability. Behind the anger you will find other feelings such as sadness and fear, but anger is the first to show its face because it’s the safer emotion. People respond to anger quicker than they respond to sadness. They try to manage anger before they try to manage sadness. It can go back to the stigma surrounding mental health and mental illness. Nonetheless, the more space anger takes up the more resentment grows. As it continues to grow bigger, survivors may find themselves beginning to disconnect from life. For some, that unfortunately leads to thoughts of self harm and suicide (if you are having these thoughts, please reach out to the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255). For others, it becomes a feeling of floating, going through motions, or as Katy Perry said “like a plastic bag drifting through the wind.”
As a survivor is experiencing their resentment towards the world, it can spill over into the lives of their family, friends, and romantic partners. I often question myself when it comes to interacting with others because I’m aware that I view life through a trauma tainted lens. While I'm working to change beliefs, there are some areas I still see through the framework and blueprint I developed as a child. It's hard to admit that because I’m aware that once I hit a certain age the expectations people have of me and my ability to view life through an “I overcame trauma” lens is heightened and I am expected to navigate through life as a "typical" adult. The pressure to overcome trauma by a certain age is a silent pressure that some people may not realize they perpetuate through their body language, indirect verbal communication (i.e. statements directed at someone else that may inadvertently be a stray bullet) and non-verbal communication. As a result, planting another seed for resentment to grow.
Trauma survivors may resent their family, friends, and romantic partners for being able to navigate through life with more grace and certainty than them. While family, friends, and romantic partners may resent the survivor for engaging in life through a trauma tainted lens or leaning on them too much, resulting in the survivor pushing some of their trauma onto them. To be frank, this is when I believe some people don’t acknowledge and process the presence of resentment when they should. I don’t have an issue with the presence of resentment because people have a right to feel how they feel. However, it can become an issue when resentment is given room to grow stronger and left unattended. Again, I understand the desire to ignore the resentment as a way to avoid the difficult conversation or maybe you don’t want to have the conversation at all. That's your choice. I just want people to get comfortable with acknowledging and processing resentment before it develops a pattern in their relationships. If you are growing multiple trees of resentment and leaving them unattended, how is that helping you? What is the pattern trying to tell you? It can’t be everybody else's fault and everybody isn't doing you wrong.
I saw something on twitter that read “It sucks being the villain in somebody's story when it's not based on the truth.” Is your resentment even based on truth? Are you avoiding the trees of resentment because you don’t want to face the truth about yourself? Are you avoiding them because you don’t want to acknowledge and take accountability for your part? Is it more important to be right? I’m putting it bluntly because as survivors we can get stuck in a loop where we only see our trauma. To develop healthy relationships and overcome speed bumps in those relationships, you have to be able to acknowledge and process the resentment that can throw the relationship off track.
I’ve dealt with resentment in my life and this year I had to go back to an unattended resentment tree I planted and finally acknowledge and process it. Over the span of 2020 and January of 2021 I lost two family members, a church family member, and a close friend I met in high school. After they passed away I had to face the resentment I harbored towards my extended family. While they did engage in actions that upset me, I had to acknowledge the role I played as well. I essentially placed them in the role of villain and voided myself of any accountability. My resentment was based on half truths that changed my perception and it was time that I went forward with the truth. Over the past few months I’ve been able to rekindle a few extended family relationships, the most important being with an aunt that means a lot to me.
It’s true that our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences. While our experiences have merit and they are valid, I can’t help but wonder if our perceptions are also influenced by our refusal to acknowledge and process the seeds that feed our resentment. I’m not saying to engage in relationships you no longer care about, that’s your choice. I’m just questioning if you can continue to navigate through relationships based on a perception sitting on the foundation of resentment. How long can you do that before you finally acknowledge that your perception might be wrong? I’m finally able to reconnect with an aunt because I stopped pretending that my perception wasn’t based on resentment.
Perception influences how we interact with others. It influences how we communicate with others. It influences how we live our lives. How many trees of resentment do you have growing in your garden?
Until Next Time
~Brina B
Disclaimer: This blog post doesn’t serve as therapy or professional help. If you’re in need of professional help, visit the resources section of the website.
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