I wanted to enter 2024 with intention. I wanted to feel like my steps had purpose behind them. I wanted to feel more connected to my life, and the things that matter to me. Ultimately, I wanted to feel like I had direction instead of wandering aimlessly. While I still have the desire to live this year with intention, my perspective has shifted a bit. Yep, we’re only 18 days into the new year and my 2024 mindset has already been shaken, challenged and altered. Who would have seen that coming? *insert sarcasm*
Instead of beginning the year with intention I find myself asking more questions. What am I being intentional towards? Will I ever get back to the driven person I once was? Am I still that person? Am I supposed to redefine what being driven looks like? Will I ever escape my comfort zone? Am I supposed to? Have I gotten lazy? All of these questions and more have been swirling in my head since leaving a doctor’s appointment earlier this month. An appointment that was quite jarring if I’m being honest. I’m grateful for the information, to have the ability to obtain a health care provider, and to have a health care provider that cares about my health and is working with me to take care of things. With that being said, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?
This was finally going to be the year where I step away from my comfort zone and get back into my goal setting bag. This was the year where I was going to get more intentional with how I spend my time and create more time for myself as I work towards my professional goals. I had a fucking plan! This was my year to get off my ass, shake off the dust, and get back to being ME. And all that went completely out the window when I left that doctor’s appointment. At least, that’s how I initially felt.
I’m not going to lie, there is a part of me that is pissed off. I can't get back into my boss bitch bag this year like I planned. I was looking forward to reconnecting with a part of me that died when my grandmother did. I miss giving the go-getter inside of me space to roam and turn the world into her dance floor (shout out to Lemonade Mouth). I miss the part of me that dreamed big. I miss the part of me that saw the world as a place to explore. I truly miss these elements of who I am and 2024 was going to be the year we got reacquainted.
But the truth is, if I let these elements of myself free, I would pay the price. I would get lost in the sauce and my health could get worse. While I miss these parts of me I know how detrimental they could be to me. I would once again become an identity based on production and work, and I can’t go back to living that life. I’m more important than that. My mind, body, and soul are more important than proving to myself that trauma hasn’t turned me into a lazy sack of shit. Because the truth is I’m far from lazy.
I’m currently in the process of working on a professional goal that has taken me years to believe I could achieve. A goal that will allow me to gain the professional freedom I’ve been searching for. A goal that will allow me to help other survivors in ways I could only imagine. So, yea. I’m FAR from being a lazy sack of shit. I’m a fucking survivor and I wont allow anything or anyone to take that away from me, myself included.
So, listen here Sabrina. Yes, it sucks that the plans you wanted to accomplish this year have been altered and you will have to reevaluate your approach. It sucks ass. It’s okay to acknowledge that and give it space to sit on the table. It’s okay to mourn the loss of traits that were stuck to your side like a second layer of skin. They served you well. Now it’s time to redefine that second layer of skin. You are still a go-getter. Now, it just looks different. You are a go-getter who is working on a professional goal you NEVER thought would happen. Take a moment and take that shit in. You are doing this shit! You. Are. Doing. It. It’s happening. It’s in progress. And not only are you doing it, you are getting KUDOS from a seasoned professional who values YOU and YOUR input. Who sees you as an ASSET to the profession. Now put that shit on the table too.
2024 is still the year of intention. Let’s put that intention towards you and show up for yourself as you complete this professional journey. That’s it. That’s the boss bitch shit you are going to do this year. Show up for your damn self, whatever that looks like, and continue working on this professional goal. Nothing more, nothing less.
Until next time
~Brina B
Note: This blog post doesn't serve as professional help. If you are in need of help, visit the resources page of the website.