Throughout my life I've navigated the world with two dominant perspectives, everybody ain't able and to paraphrase Trick Daddy, if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have no luck at all. Trauma taught me at an early age that good things don't last and hoping they do is a waste of time. Therefore, I kept my expectations at 0 and walked through life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would be lying if I said waiting for the other shoe to drop is something I no longer do. I still have that thought from time to time, especially after losing my mom, brother, and one of my best friends within the span of a year.
This year it felt like my preexisting trauma beliefs linked up with my grief and decided to jump me. I saw a huge increase in anxiety, which made my grief worse, and resulted in me feeling drained and stretched thin.
Anxiety is something new I’ve had to learn how to live with due to the sudden death of my brother, and the circumstances that took him away. When my mom and one of my best friends were shortly taken after him...my anxiety became a major problem. I found myself no longer able to enjoy the things that once brought me comfort. Watching tv and movies? Nope, they just made my anxiety worse.
On the other hand, anxiety also made it difficult to find a work/life balance. I work with kids and the last thing I ever want is for my off day to impact the help they need from me. So, I did a lot of turning myself off and on to ensure I didn't negatively impact them. The more I flipped that off and on switch, the more I felt myself slip away. I barely ate, I felt my insomnia coming back, and my grief was triggered more frequently.
As a result, I sunk deeper into my preexisting trauma beliefs of everybody not able and if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have no luck at all, which shoved me into a spiral of missing my grandmother and wishing she was here. Once I reached that moment, I knew it was only a matter of time until I became susceptible to the downward cycle that would activate the little girl inside of me who just wants the pain to end.
To keep the little girl from being activated, I had to fight like hell to hold on to the 5% of light that constantly shines within me no matter how hard life gets. It’s the part of me that wants to experience the good life has to offer, and believes I will obtain it. I credit my grandmother for this 5% of light because her love and support is still strong after all these years. I want to make her proud. I want to repay her by refusing to let trauma define my life. I want to use her love and support as the strength I need to define it for myself. Unfortunately, I remained in this spiral of grief and anxiety, despite holding on to my 5% of light, for most of the year. Nonetheless, the light kept me from drowning in my pain and ultimately pushed me to answer one important question, am I going to let the trauma work I’ve done with my therapist over the years go up in flames or am I going to use this 5% of light my grandmother left me to lift myself out of this spiral?
Hugging that 5% tight to my chest, I took the first step...I was honest with myself and those around me about how I was feeling. I spoke to my supervisor about the reality of trying to juggle work with self care. I spoke to my therapist about the downward spiral I was experiencing. I spoke to my friends and family about my anxiety. I spoke to myself and accepted it’s time to find new coping skills and revise what self care looks like for me in 2022.By taking this first step, I found the space to advocate for myself, and it forced me to start thinking about the ramifications for my mental health long term if I didn't make some changes.
ADVOCATING FOR MYSELF
Back in September I started the conversation with myself about what changes needed to take place to regain my sanity. I really had to take a step back and acknowledge that my job was draining me more than it was fulfilling me. I could no longer meet the job requirements AND maintain my mental health, so I had a honest conversation with my supervisor and made some adjustments to see if things got better. Having that conversation with my supervisor was empowering because the part of me that sought validation and identity in school and work was finally set free. Instead of putting my production levels first, I put my mental health first. It was the first time I felt like I was in control. While the adjustments we agreed upon were helpful in the moment, I realized they couldn't sustain me long term. This was another huge moment of empowerment because I felt a shift in my thinking.
Growing up and into my young adult years, my way of thinking was dominated by living in the future. It kept me moving forward, towards a goal that would lift me out of trauma. While this way of thinking gave me something to strive for, it also blinded me to the blessings around me. I was so focused on the future that I missed out on living in the moment and soaking up the positive energy around me. Therefore, when I started therapy one of my goals was to shift my focus to the present so I didn't miss out again. However, like they say, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. As a result of my present dominated thinking, I got stuck and put down roots in my comfort zone. While I've talked about the comfort zone being helpful for trauma survivors as a way to manage the chaos, the flip side is that staying too long stopped me in my tracks and the things I once dreamed about became a distant memory.
So, when I found myself reflecting on the short term solution the adjustments at work provided, I felt a shift inside of me. I felt a shift that slowly began to push me out of my comfort zone and onto the corner of present and future thinking. The future I once thought about came back into focus. I started to remember the dreams I had and how my current mental health status could benefit from them. I started to forge a relationship between present and future thinking so I could create space for both of them to thrive, instead of picking a side. This shift led me to open my heart to what I need and want going into 2023. It gave me space to accept my ability to advocate for myself fiercely and frequently. It opened my mind to the changes that needed to take place. It gave me confidence to stand 10 toes down in my ability to advocate for what I need, want and desire. More importantly, it finally gave me the confidence I needed to say to myself, Sabrina...you are more than your production numbers.
Shortly after this shift in thinking started, I had one of the BEST experiences of my life and that was spending time with my favorite artist/singer Mario. People who know me know I am his self proclaimed number #1 fan. When his versuz was announced I had friends tagging me in the flyer and saying they knew the battle would bring me back to the Facebook streets to remind them who team I was on. My admiration goes back so far that I actually made this collage and was SO serious about it lol! 🫣. While I always talk about him, I don't think I've ever shared WHY I celebrate him so hard.
SPENDING TIME WITH MARIO
While he is indeed talented and cute AF (I mean, lets be real), what actually gravitated me towards Mario is his vulnerability. Mario often shares his thoughts, beliefs, and gives us a glimpse into how he processes the world...and I love it. I love his energy. I love his vibe. I love his mind.
I have a lot of love for him because he's the person who inspired me to embrace the elements of my trauma I felt ashamed of. As I've mentioned, shame and embarrassment made processing my trauma so much harder. Mario is the person who cracked that armor and started the ripple effect that led me to being able to write about my trauma on the internet. How did he do that? Years ago Mario had a documentary on MTV where he spoke about his mom's journey with substance use and released a song called Do Right.
In this documentary he put his trauma on the table for millions to see, and judge. He shared his thoughts, feelings and really put himself out there. Watching that documentary left me in ah of how open he was. In the years since the documentary, he has continued to share his thoughts with the world on social media and through his music. The moment I had with him this year left me feeling like my assumptions about him weren't far off, at all. He was just as nice, down to earth, and captivating as I thought he would be. I'm a forever fan of his music, and now? I'm an even bigger admirer of the man he is.
I don't expect him to remember me because I'm sure he meets a lot of people, and I'm terrible at remembering names myself, however, it is an experience I will always cherish because it not only solidified him as a legitimate source of inspiration, my inner child finally got something tangible that convinced her that good things CAN and WILL happen to me. Think about it. How many people can say they had the opportunity to spend time one of the people who inspires them AND the experience lived up to or exceeded expectations? It was such a comfortable experience, and for an introvert like me... that was huge! Spending time with Mario ultimately served as a spiritual gift at the end of a year that took me through emotional hell.
Now, I can't lie, teenage Sabrina experienced this moment differently than present day adult Sabrina lol. While I was cool, calm, and collected on the outside. On the inside? Teenage me was like "WE SPENDING TIME WITH MARIO!? Oh bitch. He sitting next to us. You're talking to him. Gurl! How TF is this happening!?" I kept her in check tho, and didn't completely embarrass myself lol. Overall, it was a good time that left me feeling even more connected to my source of inspiration.
While 2022 had me out for the count for most of the year, I am grateful that I'm walking into 2023 with a stronger sense of self. I'm not sure what 2023 has in store for Brina B Motivates, I can however, say that my goal is to get back to my love of writing. Losing my ability to write this year was bitter sweet. While my mental health wasn't strong enough to write, it was where it needed to be to elevate me to a level where I'm entering 2023 believing in myself and seeing my value.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for joining me on this journey ❤️💚. See you in 2023.
~Until Next Time,
Brina B